The Adventure of the Traumatic Experience

I've been thinking about trauma lately. 

Pretty much of all of us go through some sort of trauma in our lives. It will affect us and change who we are but most of us can find ways to move beyond it, even if we'll never quite be over it. Of course, there are some traumas that are too great and traumas in childhood (the technical name is Adverse Childhood Experiences or ACEs) are likely to have lasting damage to adulthood. 

When we think of trauma we probably think of some violent event and though that sort of thing does happen far too often, the majority of us don't face something quite so extreme. For me, my life changed towards the end of my time at university when I found myself in my final teaching placement. I'd been making steady progress over my time at university and suddenly I found it all crashing down around me. 

 

For a long time, I blamed my failures on myself but over time that has changed. I can't ever fully distance myself from them because ultimately it was my failure alone but if the people who were supposed to support me had actually supported me then things could have at least been more bearable. 

The university failed me by placing me in an environment that many experienced teachers would have found difficult let alone a trainee, an inner-city school where the vast majority of the students spoke English as an additional language. They'd also put me with young children yet failed to give me any experience with a younger age before then. They also failed to provide transport for me, meaning I had to walk half an hour to the train station, sit on a train for twenty minutes and then walk half an hour to the school twice a day and was therefore utterly exhausted the whole time. The teacher I was working alongside that was supposed to be mentoring me could only tell me my many failings yet couldn't advise me how to improve. The tutor from university insulted me by asking if I cared when I'd never cared about anything else more yet had the ability to contain my emotions. I also failed to receive any aftercare after all this trauma when I really needed it. 

The whole experience really affected me. I was never a confident person but any confidence I had managed to summon before that was sucked out of me. Over six years later and I still find myself filled with self-doubt that I never had before that time. I neglected friendships and lost them because of it and there's a chance I even missed out on a relationship due to the way I became withdrawn from the world. 

On the whole, I'm over that whole thing now. I was lucky to fall into an environment that was wholly different, which was supportive and friendly rather than critical and cold. My teaching skills have greatly improved, to the extent observations have praised things that I once was incapable of doing. I don't know though that I can ever have the confidence to complete a teaching qualification. I believe now that I'm probably capable enough but I don't think I could again face the constant scrutiny that is involved with qualifying. 

People have a tendency to claim that even bad things happen for a reason but I struggle to believe in destiny and tend to think that life is all just a series of random occurrences. Would I be a better person if I hadn't gone through that traumatic time? I honestly don't think I would be. But that's not to say I didn't learn anything from it. I learned to take better care of myself- I'm still not good at it but I know there's no way I'd let myself suffer in that way again. 

2020 has been a traumatic year for many. Lockdown was a long period of isolation and some people struggled with not seeing their friends and family. I kind of feel that I'm suited to occasional bouts of isolation so on the whole, I found it quite a pleasant thing. Being back in school with pupils I haven't seen for six months tells the same story. There are some who appear to have developed happily in that time but others who struggled without the routine and support of school. From what I've read that pattern seems to be fairly similar nationally. 

When I hear the concept of a second national lockdown being mooted, the arguments against it always seem to be economic. "We need schools open so parents can keep working". Yet it's rare to hear people actually talk about the effect on the children that are the centre of such a decision. 2020 has already caused so much trauma to so many children and those of us who work in schools are doing everything we can to try to heal it. I'm not going to say a second lockdown is a wrong decision, no-one can really be certain, but the thought of children across the country facing more trauma is heart-breaking. Everyone finds different things traumatic but I know from my own life the way a traumatic experience can tear apart your very soul. Children feel everything in an amplified way and the result of more trauma could be catastrophic for a generation. 

My worries about COVID have changed over time from worry over the disease itself to worry about the effect it is having. Whatever happens next, I can only hope that our decisions cause as little trauma as possible.