The Adventure of the Internal Struggle
Being in your mid to late twenties can be hard. There's a nagging feeling at the back of your mind that you really ought to have got your shit together by now. I think it's probably human nature that you look to those around you and you find yourselves surrounded by people in long-term relationships and marriages, people who have young children and have very much settled down and found their place in life. I suspect that's always been the case but in the twenty-first century this is amplified by social media.
Don't get me wrong, there are lots of good things about social media. But it can be soul destroying as you see a constant stream of how wonderful other people's lives are. Of course that's curated by them and it doesn't necessarily mean they are happy. From the other side though it's easy to sit there and believe you are worth less than other people.
My mental health has proved challenging for much of my twenties. I find myself deeply uncomfortable about sharing that fact with the world. As much as an awareness of mental health issues is growing, there still feels like there is a stigma attached to it, like you are less of a person if you can't always cope with things. When your self-esteem is already low the idea that you are struggling with your mental health only escalates your self-doubt in a particularly viscous circle.
I don't really like to put a label on how I feel and I'm not sure I can really. I've been through some periods where I have felt really low and disconnected from the world. It can last for a few days, a few weeks or much longer. It's hard to describe why it happens. I think really that I am generally full of self-doubt and a lack of confidence. Like a volcano, most of the time it bubbles away beneath the surface and though the level fluctuates not much happens. Every once in a while though it erupts and like a volcano the length of the eruption can vary dramatically.
When the eruption happens, I feel empty. It's really hard to put an emotion into words but all I want is to stay in bed and not move until it goes away. Everything I have to do in that period is a challenge and every human interaction feels painful. I start to become generally more reckless, caring less about my appearance, caring less about getting to places on time, eating loads of rubbishy snack food and generally not doing anything sensible.
I've had suicidal thoughts. The urge to just step out in front of a car on a busy road can be hard to resist in the spur of the moment. There have been days when every passing vehicle has required enormous willpower to avoid.
How long the eruption lasts often depends on what's going on. It's possible that I can be rescued from it by something so good or fun happening that it prevents the worst from coming out. It's also equally possible that it will be escalated by something bad happening and that's when things can become really awful.
This is a blog post I've had stored at the back of my mind for some time. This week was International Men's Day with it's main focus being mental health. Suicide is the most common cause of death for men between 20 and 49 in the UK. It's awful to consider how many people are going through a rough time and find it difficult to talk about, despite that being one thing you can do that makes the biggest different. I've generally not been very good at doing that and it can feel immensely difficult to do but on the occasions I've managed to have some sort of conversation about how I'm feeling it's helped. I've found that it is also worth remembering that you are never alone in how your are feeling. As a song I'm quite fond of says, everybody goes to the same dark places. Everyone around you has faced difficult times and remembering that can useful.
I know I'm probably always going to be affected by this stuff. I have to say though that the last year or so has seen a huge improvement in my mental health. The low periods have become far less common and it's been a long time now since I've reached a point of real hopelessness. On the whole I have a higher opinion of myself than I have had for some time. I think a big part of overcoming difficult times is learning to accept who you are. It's easy to feel like you are different than everyone else but in reality there is no such thing as normal. Human beings are not all the same and the ways you are different from other people do not mean you are less valid than them. The journey can be horrendously bumpy but the destination is paradise.
OK, enough. That was pretty intense and I couldn't inject any jokes. I thought the volcano metaphor was pretty inspired though. Like one volcano said to another, I lava you for reading this nonsense.
Don't get me wrong, there are lots of good things about social media. But it can be soul destroying as you see a constant stream of how wonderful other people's lives are. Of course that's curated by them and it doesn't necessarily mean they are happy. From the other side though it's easy to sit there and believe you are worth less than other people.
My mental health has proved challenging for much of my twenties. I find myself deeply uncomfortable about sharing that fact with the world. As much as an awareness of mental health issues is growing, there still feels like there is a stigma attached to it, like you are less of a person if you can't always cope with things. When your self-esteem is already low the idea that you are struggling with your mental health only escalates your self-doubt in a particularly viscous circle.
I don't really like to put a label on how I feel and I'm not sure I can really. I've been through some periods where I have felt really low and disconnected from the world. It can last for a few days, a few weeks or much longer. It's hard to describe why it happens. I think really that I am generally full of self-doubt and a lack of confidence. Like a volcano, most of the time it bubbles away beneath the surface and though the level fluctuates not much happens. Every once in a while though it erupts and like a volcano the length of the eruption can vary dramatically.
When the eruption happens, I feel empty. It's really hard to put an emotion into words but all I want is to stay in bed and not move until it goes away. Everything I have to do in that period is a challenge and every human interaction feels painful. I start to become generally more reckless, caring less about my appearance, caring less about getting to places on time, eating loads of rubbishy snack food and generally not doing anything sensible.
I've had suicidal thoughts. The urge to just step out in front of a car on a busy road can be hard to resist in the spur of the moment. There have been days when every passing vehicle has required enormous willpower to avoid.
How long the eruption lasts often depends on what's going on. It's possible that I can be rescued from it by something so good or fun happening that it prevents the worst from coming out. It's also equally possible that it will be escalated by something bad happening and that's when things can become really awful.
This is a blog post I've had stored at the back of my mind for some time. This week was International Men's Day with it's main focus being mental health. Suicide is the most common cause of death for men between 20 and 49 in the UK. It's awful to consider how many people are going through a rough time and find it difficult to talk about, despite that being one thing you can do that makes the biggest different. I've generally not been very good at doing that and it can feel immensely difficult to do but on the occasions I've managed to have some sort of conversation about how I'm feeling it's helped. I've found that it is also worth remembering that you are never alone in how your are feeling. As a song I'm quite fond of says, everybody goes to the same dark places. Everyone around you has faced difficult times and remembering that can useful.
I know I'm probably always going to be affected by this stuff. I have to say though that the last year or so has seen a huge improvement in my mental health. The low periods have become far less common and it's been a long time now since I've reached a point of real hopelessness. On the whole I have a higher opinion of myself than I have had for some time. I think a big part of overcoming difficult times is learning to accept who you are. It's easy to feel like you are different than everyone else but in reality there is no such thing as normal. Human beings are not all the same and the ways you are different from other people do not mean you are less valid than them. The journey can be horrendously bumpy but the destination is paradise.
OK, enough. That was pretty intense and I couldn't inject any jokes. I thought the volcano metaphor was pretty inspired though. Like one volcano said to another, I lava you for reading this nonsense.
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