The Adventure of the Compartmentalisation

I've had a tough few weeks. Just when I thought I had finally got my shit together a new wave of self-doubt flooded over me like a tsunami. I wonder if I will ever reach a stage where I feel like I actually work like something resembling a normal human being.

This week I saw Ad Astra, an excellent sci-fi film starring Brad Pitt. In it his character says "I've been trained to compartmentalize. It seems to me that's how I approach my life." For some reason this quote stuck with me. I'm about a million miles away from his astronaut whose heart rate never goes above 80 beats per minute and I certainly haven't been trained to compartmentalise but I have begun to realise that when I'm working at my best that's exactly what I do.

To compartmentalise means to divide your life into discrete sections. With practically no thinking I can neatly divide myself into three categories.

This is the perfect opportunity to use an image from 'The Numskulls'

Number one is the fun me. This is the part of myself I like the best and want people to get to know but it doesn't appear as often as I'd like. This version of me is the relaxed one which worries about nothing and just wants to have a good time. This Dan loves to make people laugh and will blurt out jokes constantly. He is happy to chat to anyone and will happily do so.

Then there's number two, which is teacher me. I've only really noticed this side of my personality in the last few weeks but I suppose that it has probably been brewing for a while. Back when I failed my teaching placement at uni this part of me didn't exist. This Dan is a performer and an educator with a tigger-like energy that bounces off everyone in the room. When it's at full flow it works wonderfully and genuinely helps students to learn. When I've been entering into this mood recently it feels like I am watching another person from afar and consider how brilliant but exhausting it is.

Finally, there's number three. This is probably my default position and that's not a good thing. This Dan is the worker, the one who doesn't want to interact and will concentrate on a task or be analyzing scenarios and replaying them until it concludes on the best outcome. Don't get me wrong, this side of me is important and it helps me to plan lessons at work and do chores at home. The issue is that it's too dominant. The lack of interaction means it shuts people out and the constant self-analysis and worry eats me up.

Balancing these compartments of myself is tricky. If I'm interacting with people or if I'm chilled out I ought to be number one and when I'm teaching I should be number two. But so often it's number three that dominates, the quiet, doubt-filled Dan when really this version is only needed a tiny minority of the time. This is problematic and frustrating. One of the ways I could really improve my life would be to find a way to keep number three on a short leash, only letting it out when necessary and preventing it from sidelining the others.

I fear this whole blog post has made me sound quite unhinged but I suspect most people work in a similar way even if they've never really thought about it. I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.

I feel I cannot end without discussing my dilemma at the spelling of compartmentalise. In British English we use an 's', not a 'z'. Hence I have used the British version throughout this post, except when Brad Pitt said it. Number one is quite the pedant it seems.