The Adventure of the Anxiety Accretion

My first real experience of anxiety is one of my earliest clear memories. I was about five and in my first year at school. When you're five school is a lot of fun and I adored being there. Except for one afternoon when the teacher told us we were going to draw the parts of a bicycle. I would actually find this is a difficult task as an adult but aged five I had just as much chance of flapping my wings and learning how to fly. I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach as my entire being tried to resist. In the end, I projectile vomited across the classroom and was sent home and never had to complete the task. 

As we grow up we have more experiences and are much better able to cope with new experiences. I did tend to feel anxious about things I considered important though. I regularly had a nosebleed when taking exams from year two SATs to at least one GSCE paper. It didn't really take much for me to have a nosebleed throughout my childhood anyway but anxiety seemed to be one of the triggers (as well as heat and the slightest bash to my nose).

By the age of about eighteen I stopped getting nosebleeds and the outflow of my anxiety returned to vomit. When I was a student training to be a teacher I would spend time in a school each year. Every time I would feel my stomach whirling and would inevitably have to go to the toilets and throw up. There can surely be few people who have managed to vomit in more schools than me. I gradually ended up restricting my intake in the morning so my stomach was empty, having just the tiniest amount of water so I could make the journey without fainting. On my final placement I had to travel by train and I can distinctly remember panicking when I realised the toilet was occupied and throwing up water in the train carriage just as pulled up at a station. (This post has become a lot more vomit-y than I imagined).

As unpleasant as this is, I came to accept that I got anxious at important moments of my life. I don't think that's especially unusual and it makes sense. I got really anxious for weeks before my HLTA assessment which felt a little different as normally I was only affected the morning before the event. This particular event was different though, something which had the power to change my life, so I put it down to that.

It turns out though that I'm becoming a more anxious person. I'm really used to teaching children with autism now and I am able to deal with pretty much any eventuality at work now, even if that happens to be a parrot flying around the classroom (and yes, that did happen). A few weeks ago though I found the anxiety rise up in me as I had to lead the class to a special arts activity being run by someone I didn't know. I thought I was going to have a panic attack and had to take a break in the toilet before I could cope with returning to class. The only explanation about the cause for this that I can come up with is that I found the idea of being responsible in front of a complete stranger difficult.

Then there's driving. On the whole whilst I'm not a hugely confident driver I feel comfortable driving around. Back in December I had an accident when driving to work- my car was damaged beyond repair but beyond that it wasn't a big deal. The accident occurred on a slip road where you join the dual carriageway. In order to travel pretty much anywhere west of home, which includes work, I have to drive down the same road. Despite the accident being over six months ago and the fact I've probably driven along there about a hundred times since then, it still makes me anxious. I feel my stomach tumble as I approach the turning and if it's been a few days since I've last driven it I find myself laying in bed at night thinking about it, my breathing becoming rapid at just the thought.

Even stupid things are making me anxious at the moment. This week my car was due a service. When I bought the car in December it came with a year's free servicing if taken back to the place I bought it from. This was a significant saving so obviously I had to return it to the same place. The issue came in that I had never had a service at this place before and didn't know the procedure. I could barely come across as coherent when I walked through the glossy showroom and spoke to the lady at the reception desk. I have no idea why I found it so difficult when it's essentially the same as seeing the guy at the local garage, just on a bigger, glossier scale.

Anxiety is a common theme in dyspraxia and I think it may have got worse because new experiences or different things have become less regular in my life. I also think it's an unexpected side effect of my recently increased self-confidence. My self-belief was so low that I think I expected to mess up everything I did so there was no need to be anxious about it. Now that my self-belief has increased to a more healthy level these things become more important. It feels like there's part of my old self still lurking within, like when Captain Picard still felt a connection to the Borg after becoming Locutus (I fear that reference stepped too far into geekiness. Perhaps I should compare it to how Thanos could see Nebula's implant in Avengers: Endgame. I think you get the idea anyway).

I don't know what the solution is as of yet. I think I have to accept that this is something that is part of me and not let it take over or prevent me from doing things. It's just another obstacle to overcome.