Stop Me If I Sound Cynical...

This post was supposed to be one of the first things I wrote on this blog but it never ended up being written. I guess I just kept putting it off because I find it awkward to talk about. Although having said that, I find most things awkward to talk about so this isn’t really that special.

In my experience, certainly in my circles, there are several categories people in their early twenties fall into when it comes to relationships. Category One: people who drift from one relationship to another. These people go through a never-ending shift of partners and friends of these people struggle to remember the name of their current partner. Occasionally even these people will forget the name of their current partner, leading to an argument and another break-up. These people are so used to the process of meeting people, starting to date them, being part of a couple and breaking-up that they can now get through the whole process extremely efficiently. People like this are very attractive, but have terrible personalities.

Category Two: people who have settled down with someone. This usually happens shortly after finishing education- for some that’s at the end of high school, for others it is much later, after finishing university. Either way, these are the people who constantly update their Facebook status saying how much they love their partner and how it is now been this long since they met or did something or other. The invention of the Timehop app means they cannot forget a single ‘anniversary’. Some of these people will stay together for the rest of their lives whilst the rest will have mid-life crises (or their partner will) and they will break up before they can actually grow old together.

There is also a third, somewhat smaller group, Category Three. These are the people who seem to have avoided any romantic diversions and have reached their twenties without ever being in a relationship. They see themselves as miserable losers whilst the previous groups look on them enviously, trying to imagine what it must be like to not have responsibilities or conflict and being able to spend their money on things they want for themselves.

Now’s the part where I talk about where I fit. Most bloggers seem to fall in the first two categories with posts like “He Just Wasn’t Right” or “Why I Love Married Life”. (Do stop me if I get a little cynical during the duration of this post by the way!) I don’t really fit into any of these categories, not really. If anything I am closest to the third but I am a long way from having never been in a relationship. I had several girlfriends in my teenage years, one of which lasted for nine months and when you are fifteen I think that’s quite something.

My last relationship began when I was sixteen. Somehow I found myself with a girl at the beach and then next thing I knew we were kissing. I’m keeping this simple to avoid plunging too deep into my memories but it was properly romantic. I felt like I was in a rom-com.

Things blossomed from that first kiss pretty quickly and soon we were in a serious relationship. I think the feeling of a serious relationship is truly impossible to describe but you probably know exactly the feeling I am talking about. Accidentally we had fallen in love and it was wonderful.

My seventeenth birthday flew by, my eighteenth birthday flew by and we were still together, and happy. Inevitably there had been the odd argument in that time but nothing that major and I genuinely thought I had found ‘the one’. We’d had a detailed plan of our life together, right down to the cat called Nacho. Then as unexpectantly as it began, it ended. In a flood of tears she announced that we weren’t right for each other and she was gone.

Of course, we would still be friends and important to each other, she said. And at first we were. We met up regularly and kissed again one time, although that ‘meant nothing’. Only a few weeks after we broke up the meetings dwindled and then stopped altogether as she suddenly turned into a Category One and bounced between relationships.

Unlike her, there has been nobody else. I feel worryingly like I am in rom-com territory here. It’s not because she was the only one for me, those feelings are long since dead, but simply because there has been nobody else who has returned my affection. I have been in love twice since then, once with a woman who rejected me several times and then with a woman who I never told. In hindsight, it was clear neither of them were right for me. (That sentence may provide some speculation to people that know me IRL- feel free to knock yourselves out).

I’ve been single now for four and a half years and the whole idea of a being in a relationship now seems very odd to me. There’s a part of me that of course longs for that feeling of being loved and being in love. But that’s gradually become quite a small part as more pressing issues appeared, like the complete mess that my life became. I had a vague idea when I imagined the concept of Dan 2.0 though that he would have found love. He’d have sorted all the other crap out and somewhere along the way he’d have met the perfect woman.

I think every person that has been single for a while has the same thought somewhere in their mind. Is this it? Am I going to go to the rest of my life like this, alone? I feel that it might well be the case for me. I’m not being pessimistic or anything here, but realistic. Sure, maybe I will meet someone. But I rarely meet new people and thanks to my inherent shyness fail to make any impression of them when I do so the chances of anyone ever falling in love with me are remarkably slim. The thought doesn’t even bother me that much anymore, it is an unfortunate fact on my life which can’t be changed, like my dyspraxia. What does bother me is that it is another thing that drags me away from the concept of being a normal person.

So, there you have it. The long-awaited post on my love life is now out here on the internet. I feel this is a piece of the puzzle that is me and like I’ve shared something personal with my lovely little community of readers. I am working on trying to post another time a week now that I’ve got used to working so watch out for the next post a little sooner. Thanks, as always, for taking the time to read this post and hope to see you soon.