The Adventure of the Confidence Journey

In which I discuss by ongoing self-confidence struggles...

Self-confidence. Confidence comes from the Latin fidere which means 'to trust' so self-confidence is to trust yourself. Some people seem to find this really easy but it's not something that comes easily to me. 

I was getting ready for a party recently when I had a complete crisis in body image. For a moment I looked at the person in the mirror and thought that there was no way I could make it presentable and considered whether I should just give up and stay home. 

Fortunately I managed to force myself past this moment but it's occurred to me since then that barely a day goes by where I don't despair at some aspect of my appearance. Body image in women is a subject that is rightly discussed quite a lot but it's not something that is discussed anywhere near as much for men. Research by the Mental Health Foundation found that 28% of men over the age of 18 have felt anxious because of body image issues. I suspect that the actual figure could be even higher given that this relied on self-reporting. It's easy to look at movie stars and feel despair that you don't look like Thor. But actors that have gone through these physical transformation to bulk up for action roles have often said how awful it was and it's clear that it's totally impossible for any human being to maintain that look.

The rational part of me knows that all bodies are different, there is no right or wrong thing to look like and celebrities are not representative of what people really look like. The irrational part of me though can't help but be full of feeling like disgust, shame and self-loathing. On the occasion I opened with, less than ten minutes later when I left my flat my neighbour saw me and said "you look nice" and though I took it with a pinch of salt I had to concede that this was not something you'd say to someone who looked really awful. When it comes down to it, people generally judge you for who you are rather than what you look like and as difficult as it can be, it's worth remembering that. 

But then again, I often don't feel that confident in who I am either. I probably don't have quite the same self-loathing as I once did and there are wonderful moments when I truly feel like I can unleash the real me. There's been a few of those lately and there's something some gratifying about being able to say to myself "look at what you just did, you can do things". 

That feeling rarely hangs around for long. I'm now mere weeks away from starting the process of doing my teaching qualification and every time I think about I feel both a huge surge of fear and self-doubt and a small, more rational voice telling me that actually I've got this. I've also found myself attending quite a few social events lately and there's usually a moment where I consider whether I want to go because I feel like I'll either say something really stupid or be really shy and not say anything at all. 

It's a general theme in my life that no matter what I will be about to do I'll feel doubt about whether I'm capable of doing it. The good thing is that I feel increasingly able to push down those doubts and not give up and not try. Sometimes there are setbacks and where previously I've let this get to me I feel more able to rationalise it, to conclude that it wasn't my fault or consider it a learning opportunity on how to improve.

I have also learned that despite how it might feel, I'm not on my own. Self-confidence is helped so much when other people have confidence in you and when you feel like you have someone to support you. There are moments when we all need support, to hold you up when it feels like you are about to fall. I've been fortunate to find some great people who can and do do this for me and I am so grateful to them. Occasionally that support comes from a totally unexpected place and that's wonderful too. Just the thought that someone wants to help is enough to up your confidence. 

I was about to say I'm not sure if this accurately untangled the thoughts in my head but then given the subject I should probably be more confident about it. The journey of life continues and broadly I'm headed in the direction I want to be going in.