The Adventure of the Petrol Station Anxiety

Sometimes I have a period where I go about my business considering myself to be a normal person but then something happens that is a bitter reality check. I'm dyspraxic and my brain doesn't function in the same way as most other people. 

This week is Dyspraxia Awareness Week and I always like to do my best to spread a little awareness. I spent my whole childhood and adolescence continually feeling different and inadequate before finally learning I have dyspraxia aged twenty-one. I'm still really annoyed that I was denied any support due to the ignorance of the world at large. If you look at a list of dyspraxic traits in children I ticked pretty much every box yet no-one had any clue whatsoever. Other neurodivergent conditions like autism, ADHD and dyslexia are fairly well understood by the general population and certainly are well understood in most educational environments (though there's still enormous room for improvement) but I feel that dyspraxia is still something of an unknown to the majority. 

The other frustration is that dyspraxia is considered by many as a childhood condition, something that you will grow out of. That's a large factor in why the NHS won't diagnose dyspraxia in adults and it costs hundreds of pounds to get a diagnosis. This is of course nonsense. I still have the same brain I had as a child. Yes, it's improved and I have learned to cope with most things I found difficult but it still works in the same, flawed way. 

People who know a little about dyspraxia sometimes think it means you are really clumsy but it's not as simple as that. Dyspraxia is a neurological condition, i.e. it's caused by the way your brain works. The fundamental description of dyspraxia is that it's a processing disorder, that your brain struggles to process information. It's this that is the reason for clumsiness as well as plenty of other issues. 

Let me tell you about a few recent occasions when I suddenly stopped feeling like a normal person. One involves the recent petrol panic buying that has been happening in the UK. It was during this that I suddenly realised that despite the fact that I have been driving for about seven years, I have only ever used two petrol stations in my life and mostly just use one. I know how to drive there, which pump to use, the way to the till and generally have a sense of familiarity which is very welcome to dyspraxics. 

The problem is that despite having moved twelve miles away nine months ago, I've still been using the same petrol station (I pop by when visiting my Mum and Dad's). But due to the panic buying situation I ended up in a position where I didn't have twelve miles worth of petrol and was forced to use a different petrol station. I felt hugely anxious going to one close to my flat that was unfamiliar, working out where the entrance was, which pump to use etc. I always find when anxiety rises I function less well and I found myself really struggling to screw the petrol cap back on again once I was full. Eventually I found my way to the till, paid and left and felt a wave of relief wash over me. 

A week later and I am once again acting like a normal person, doing my shopping at the local supermarket. Due to COVID there is now limited-room at the self service tills so I ended up putting a couple of my frozen items on top of the till instead of on the basket section. It was only when I arrived home and realised they were missed that I discovered that I'd left said items on the till. I hate the feeling of being disorganised and even worse realised I was probably seen by a member of staff that was nearby that must have thought I was a right moron. If he didn't notice then there would likely quickly have been a puddle of ice cream running over the till which I also felt bad about. 

One issue I am finding really frustrating lately is not being able to translate my thoughts into words. There have been recent occasions when I need to have a professional conversation or talk about something quite delicate and I just can't seem to get the words in my head to come out properly. It doesn't matter how many times I rehearse what I am going to say in my head, in person I stumble over my words like English isn't even my first language. It's even more frustrating to me that I can write the words down and come across as quite eloquent yet saying the words out loud is a real challenge.

Well hopefully this has succeeded in spreading a little awareness. If dyspraxia is new to you, perhaps I could ask you to spend five minutes reading some more on the Dyspraxia Foundation website? Thanks for reading and I'll be back with more soon.