Life is a Rollercoaster
Ronan Keating once sang that life is a rollercoaster. It's a pretty terrible song but the concept is true. Ups and downs come as us all and for me over the last few weeks they have been coming thick and fast.
For much of last week I was going through a big downer. Regularly, the feeling that I'm worthless and no use to anyone rises to the surface and threatens to drown me. You may have heard of something called imposter syndrome where someone doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. This is something I can relate to very closely. Last week I walked into a room and was told that several senior members of staff were discussing how good I am at my job. I couldn't help but feel that they were mistaken.
Actually, I still think like that. I feel like most of what others attribute as skills are really mostly down to luck. I think the only reason I work well with children is that I'm male and they are used to mostly working with and spending time with women. My gender means a lot of children automatically like me and therefore I don't necessarily have to try as hard as my female colleagues. I regularly feel like I ought to just resign before everyone realises how useless I am.
Still, over time I've learnt to bury the thought as much as possible. It never quite goes away but I generally accept that I might as well just let people think what they want to think and deal with the consequences when they eventually come. But then every now and then something happens and I genuinely feel good about myself.
Back in 2014 in one of the worst times of my life a tutor who came to observe a lesson I taught said my voice was "monotone and frankly boring". I can distinctly remember the exact words and how frustrated I felt. I'm sure that witch has a lot to do with my lack of self-confidence. There's one thing giving constructive criticism but the lack of care in doing so and how personal she got was unforgivable. There's very few people in the world I actively hate but she is one of them.
This week I taught a lesson that was observed as part of the course I'm doing. One of the things I was praised for was engaging the children when reading by the use of vocal changes. I wanted to jump up and down when I read that or perhaps go and track down the tutor, wave it in her face and say "fuck you".
I taught some lessons that even I have to accept were actually pretty good and then had a really enjoyable afternoon doing a training session. I arrived home early and went for a walk in the glorious sunshine. For a moment I felt hugely proud of myself.
Mind you, just twenty-four hours before was one of my most pathetic moments ever. I was in a local supermarket and being the day before Valentine's Day it was quite busy as lots of people were buying flowers, cards and gifts for their partner. I bought a single rose. I liked to imagine people seeing me buying it and considering that I am a true romantic and that the recipient was a lucky person. In reality, it was for use in the lesson I was teaching. Whilst I tend not to worry too much about being perpetually single, there are moments like this which remind me of how disheartening it can be.
Imposter syndrome is a weird thing. My exact feelings vary over time. I think I'm rubbish, someone tells me I'm not rubbish, I think they've made a mistake, I think they might be right and I should be kinder to myself, I mess something up, I think I'm rubbish again. It's a constant cycle and I live for the brief moments when I genuinely feel good about myself.
I suppose Ronan was right. Life is a rollercoaster and we do indeed just gotta ride it.
For much of last week I was going through a big downer. Regularly, the feeling that I'm worthless and no use to anyone rises to the surface and threatens to drown me. You may have heard of something called imposter syndrome where someone doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. This is something I can relate to very closely. Last week I walked into a room and was told that several senior members of staff were discussing how good I am at my job. I couldn't help but feel that they were mistaken.
Actually, I still think like that. I feel like most of what others attribute as skills are really mostly down to luck. I think the only reason I work well with children is that I'm male and they are used to mostly working with and spending time with women. My gender means a lot of children automatically like me and therefore I don't necessarily have to try as hard as my female colleagues. I regularly feel like I ought to just resign before everyone realises how useless I am.
Still, over time I've learnt to bury the thought as much as possible. It never quite goes away but I generally accept that I might as well just let people think what they want to think and deal with the consequences when they eventually come. But then every now and then something happens and I genuinely feel good about myself.
Back in 2014 in one of the worst times of my life a tutor who came to observe a lesson I taught said my voice was "monotone and frankly boring". I can distinctly remember the exact words and how frustrated I felt. I'm sure that witch has a lot to do with my lack of self-confidence. There's one thing giving constructive criticism but the lack of care in doing so and how personal she got was unforgivable. There's very few people in the world I actively hate but she is one of them.
This week I taught a lesson that was observed as part of the course I'm doing. One of the things I was praised for was engaging the children when reading by the use of vocal changes. I wanted to jump up and down when I read that or perhaps go and track down the tutor, wave it in her face and say "fuck you".
I taught some lessons that even I have to accept were actually pretty good and then had a really enjoyable afternoon doing a training session. I arrived home early and went for a walk in the glorious sunshine. For a moment I felt hugely proud of myself.
Mind you, just twenty-four hours before was one of my most pathetic moments ever. I was in a local supermarket and being the day before Valentine's Day it was quite busy as lots of people were buying flowers, cards and gifts for their partner. I bought a single rose. I liked to imagine people seeing me buying it and considering that I am a true romantic and that the recipient was a lucky person. In reality, it was for use in the lesson I was teaching. Whilst I tend not to worry too much about being perpetually single, there are moments like this which remind me of how disheartening it can be.
Imposter syndrome is a weird thing. My exact feelings vary over time. I think I'm rubbish, someone tells me I'm not rubbish, I think they've made a mistake, I think they might be right and I should be kinder to myself, I mess something up, I think I'm rubbish again. It's a constant cycle and I live for the brief moments when I genuinely feel good about myself.
I suppose Ronan was right. Life is a rollercoaster and we do indeed just gotta ride it.
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