Regrets

The summer holidays have begun and I should be happy. I’m doing a few days work here and there but I have somewhere in the region of 40 days off. Don’t get me wrong, I needed time off and don’t particularly want to be at work. But I quickly wondered how on Earth I was going to fill those days.
Work is a fantastic distraction from the reality of my life. During the work week most of my thoughts are about things that are going on at work. But when suddenly I have six weeks off that distraction is gone. The familiar thoughts of worthlessness and failure have soared to the surface once more.
The trouble is I still haven’t really got over failing my final teaching placement two years ago. It took me a long time just to get over the mental trauma of it all. I quickly, perhaps too quickly, accepted the fact that I just don’t have the skills to become a teacher. But I haven’t ever got over the shame.
To everyone who knew me before that placement I was a young man with a good career in teaching ahead of him. I was going to be a respectable member of society. I’d have fun with it too though and go on nights out and generally enjoy myself. But with my failure that never happened and I whilst most people respect what I do it doesn’t feel the same. Teaching isn’t particularly well paid but I dream of getting pay checks anywhere near those sizes these days. I sit at the bottom of society, muddling along making no difference to anyone, so far away from the expected direction.
And thanks to this the fun has gone as well. I feel ashamed to talk to the people I did know, sensing that I’m now a different person to them than I once was. In the panic of trying to deal with my situation, and various other things over the years, I isolated myself and lost nearly all my friends. I can sort of cope with the failings in my career but my failings as a friend are horrific.
It hurts me that I don’t ever see all the people I once was so close to. But it also hurts me to know the hurt I’ve caused, time and time again not accepting the help and friendship which was there. I fully deserve to be in the position I am but I really regret my actions. I used to think I know what regret meant but I didn’t. Now I do.
Last night I was thinking this over and drafted messages to some of the people who I owe the biggest apologies to. I just edited them so they made a little more sense than my late night ramblings and sent them off. It was quite a selfish act really, an attempt to ease the regrets. But maybe at least some of the people I messaged will be warmed by my thoughts.
This blog post was pretty selfish too. I find that feelings are easier to manage when translated into words. But this blog has always been about the journey to create a new me and I’m still on that journey and don’t feel like it’s conclusion will come anytime soon.
I shall probably be back some time soon and writing about something else. We shall see.

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