In Absentia

Last week was the graduation ceremony for my degree course. Everyone who completed the course was there, dressed in a ridiculous gown and hat. One by one they were called up to shake somebody who likes to think they are important’s hand and collect a piece of paper.

An artist’s impression of what I would have looked like if I attended graduation. And by “artist” I mean me and by “impression” I mean ‘something I quickly knocked up without trying that hard’.

Well, I say “everyone”. I was not there and was working, like any other week day. I chose to graduate “in absentia” a phrase which here means without having to go somewhere and talk to a load of people who are much more successful than me.

I suspect most people reading this know my story, that I did a teaching degree but turned out to be rubbish at teaching. I left with an education degree but without the qualification to teach. (More on this in my first post An Origin Story.)

It feels a bit odd to have not been there. Apart from passing my final teaching practice, I went through exactly the same as everyone else on the course. I also imagine it is very unusual for people who have gone to uni and got a degree not to have been to a graduation ceremony. It will be yet another way I diverge from the path of a normal life. At least I won’t be embarrassed by my graduation photos twenty years down the line.

Weirdly though I am glad I didn’t go. I went to university to qualify as a teacher and I never achieved that. The degree was also a necessary extra and has never meant that much to be on it’s own. Now I have the degree without qualified teacher statues it is pretty useless to me anyway, as I discovered when trying to find a job. To celebrate something which means so little to be would be unnatural.

There’s also the fact I’d inevitable end up talking to loads of my peers who have spent the last six weeks teaching. Whilst I am happy for them, hearing lots about it would only serve as an unpleasant reminder of my failure. I would also feel uncomfortable telling people how I have a low-paid job that I am really overqualified for. Teacher are nice people by nature but I know I would have spent the whole day feeling that I was being judged and that I was inferior. Maybe one day I’ll be ready to mingle with that group of people again, but the day hasn’t arrived yet.

It did make me a little sad that no-one seemed to notice by absence. I didn’t tell anyone I wasn’t going and I only received one message noting my absence, and that was from someone who also wasn’t there. Can I really have made that little of an impact over four years worth of lectures and events that no-one really cared that I wasn’t there for the swansong of it all? Apparently so.

All of this has made me think of the future. I’ve finished my first half term of my job and have realised it is not something I’ll be doing for a long time- a few years at most. It’s OK but the low pay/hours mean it is just not sustainable long term. But where on Earth do I go from here? I see life as a blank canvas, ready to be made your own. The problem is I have no tools to fill the canvas with, nothing to start from. That was very metaphorical but you get the idea. I have no direction at all in my life and hate that feeling.

The fact I have finished for half term does however mean I have a week off. An entire week to do whatever the hell I want. Except for the small matter of having my driving test and getting ready for that, which I am trying not to think about. Hopefully the week will give me some time to produce some more blog posts so things will be a bit more regular around here. See you very soon!