The Adventure of the Self-Improvement

Moving into my own flat and coming out of a pandemic (though we may not quite have heard the end of it yet) felt like an opportunity for self-improvement. It's a concept I had considered as my completion date approached that was sort of put on the backburner during lockdown but as restrictions eased it felt time to get on with keeping the promises to myself. I have discovered that the idea of self-improvement is not straightforward. 

At the start of March I began to work on losing some weight. I've never really been very happy and confident about my body and having spent much of 2020 in the house I'd put on a bit more. For the first few weeks I went on a really strict diet and since then I've been relatively healthy with my diet and concentrating on exercising a bit more. I've stepped up with walking to work and despite get soaking wet on a number of occasions I've been able to walk at least four days a week lately. Sometimes it can quite hard forcing myself out of bed to ensure I have the time to walk rather than drive but on the whole it's a pleasant addition to my life. 

This new regime has proved to be fairly successful as since the start of March I have managed to lose two stone (13kg). Part of me is really pleased with this result but then I look down at my body and don't feel any better about myself. I certainly want to lose some more but it's a slow process despite the fact that my calories spent total is around 4,000 a day when I'm working and walking. 

Another aspect of my life I wanted to address was my mental health. This is perhaps the hardest of all to address as there's no easy way to fix it. I've previously written about doing yoga and walking too feels like a moment of mindfulness for me. I certainly feel that I've managed to reduce my anxiety this year and I suspect that's partly due to Covid throwing endless curveballs meaning I'm getting more and more practice at dealing with uncertainties. 

Over the last few weeks my mental health has been really variable. For a long time now I've struggled with a feeling of not being good enough and often it becomes overwhelming; I feel like I'm sinking into a pit of self-admonishing feelings. I am terrible for scrutinizing everything I do. In my home life I get frustrated about my lack of practical skills and re-live conversations where I feel I could have performed better. It doesn't help that I work with students with special needs where positive results aren't especially tangible. Sure, I have moments when I've taught something or helped a student that are magical but they don't happen every five minutes. A few weeks back I had a meeting with some more senior members of staff who threw praise on me and I just had the feeling that they were talking about someone else. The lack of confidence has been the biggest barrier to me completing my teacher training and finally qualifying but I'm now at a position where more days than not I conclude it's something I am going to do. 

There are times when I have had suicidal thoughts when I feel like I would be doing the world a favour if I was no longer in it. It feels melodramatic to even write such a sentence, especially when I'm sat on a sunny afternoon when all is right with the world. On the most recent of occasions my main thought was that it would leave my colleagues short-staffed if I was dead. On the whole though I've learned over time that these feelings will pass and that the sun will come out again. I know I can eat some ice cream and play some mindless computer game and I can make it through to the next sunrise. 

This post has turned into a dark corner hasn't it? Once I get typing the words just start flowing and I never quite know what they are going to say! Anyway, let's move on and talk about a third area of my life I'm trying to improve which is my social life. As a teenager at school and Sixth Form and then uni I was quite a sociable person but I've found that has dwindled over the last few years. Over lockdown when people were talking about the things they miss I had the thought that I actually wasn't really missing out on a great deal. 

My intention was to find a group to join and recently I stumbled upon one for local people in their 20s and 30s. This was how yesterday afternoon I found myself wandering down to the beach to have a barbecue with a group of strangers. For much of the two days preceding the event I wondered if I would have the courage to go and suspected I may just end up spotting the group and walking on by. Somehow I managed to walk up to the group and was soon conversing with people. It was both awful and brilliant in equal measure. There were certainly moments when I felt hugely awkward and out of my depth but I chatted to a range of people and I think on the whole came across as largely a normal human being. It helps that once I was asked what I do most people take an interest and I did try to respond with the same level of enthusiasm even if someone worked in IT. On the whole it was a rewarding experience and I'm hoping to attend more events and get to know some people. 

All in all, I think I'm gradually heading in the right direction though God knows what my destination is.