The Adventure of the Anti-Bucket List
Quarantine continues, although for me things have been closer to normal than most. The government wants children of key workers and vulnerable children to still attend school so that means I've actually still been at work for three days this week, though it's childcare rather than education at the moment. I've therefore not had to cope with a large amount of time stuck at home but with my next work day not scheduled for over three weeks I've now got that to deal with.
You may have seen me discuss a bucket list on this blog over the last few months. Comedian and actor Ardal O'Hanlon (most recently seen in Death in Paradise) had a fun idea for a sort of anti-bucket list, a list of thing that you are never going to do. Also known as a 'fuck-it list'. For a bit of fun, here are some things that I am planning to never do.
Get a tattoo
I really dislike tattoos. The odd small one that has some important sentimental value is understandable but many cover themselves in body art. I don't think they look good and they are really just a substitute to having an understanding and appreciation of artwork. There's also the issue that bodies change over time and what looked like a nice tattoo once is doomed to become a tarnish on aged skin.
There's also the fact that getting a tattoo involves physical pain. Now I don't have a fear of needles, I regularly give blood for example, but no body modification is worth high levels of pain. Pain is the bodies way of warning you not to do something and therefore getting a tattoo is against nature. OK, maybe that last point is a little on the extreme side but I think you've got the point.
Participate in an extreme sport
Examples include sky diving, bungee jumping and base jumping. These sort of things are staples of bucket lists, but not mine. People say these activities provide an enormous thrill and there's no feeling quite like it. We've all experienced some degree of this thrill at some point in our lives, an obvious example being rollercoasters. I've been on several sizeable rollercoasters over the years and I thought they were fine, but nothing particularly special. Perhaps it's because I'm a generally calm person but I don't get the raise in adrenaline and urge to do it again that many people do get.
The other issue is that most extreme sports seem to involve you jumping off something high. I have a fear of minor fear of heights- I can perfectly happily stand at the top of a tall building where it's clearly very safe but being on a platform or clifftop is something I find deeply uncomfortable. Some might argue it's irrational but a fear of heights seems entirely rational to me. Clowns, a common phobia, are extremely unlikely to kill you whereas falling from a height is actually quite likely to kill you. I wonder if being dyspraxic adds to this fear because I feel like there's a higher chance that I could fall off a great height than the average person.
Swim with dolphins
I'll concede that dolphins are incredible creature, even if many swimming with dolphins stories seems to involve them being weirdly attracted to humans. I hate swimming though. It's partly because I'm not very good at it. I can swim and could avoid drowning if I really had to but I avoid swimming wherever possible. It astounds me that people actually swim for pleasure.
I'm not sure really why I hate swimming so much. I think it partly stems from being forced to swim as a child. I was never keen on any PE but swimming wasn't just defined to school hours as I'd have to regularly head to the local leisure centre after school for swimming lessons. As an adult, I totally understand why this was done and if I had kids I'd want to make sure they were able to swim. But having swimming forced upon me was not pleasant and the fact I found it extremely difficult made me even less inclined to want to do it.
There's also a sensory issue with swimming. Water is fickle when it comes to temperature and it's extremely rare that you enter a swimming pool that is actually a temperature you'd choose it to be. Swimming pools are also full of chlorine, or sometimes even stronger chemicals, which sticks to the skin and makes my eyes sore. The sea substitutes chlorine for salt which isn't much of an improvement. Swimming also involved negotiating changing rooms and showers and lockers and is generally best avoided as far as I'm concerned, if it does involve an aquatic mammal.
Go to Glastonbury (or other festival)
I fear this might be the most controversial item on this list but I don't like the idea of going to Glastonbury. I do like some live music and I've been to some incredible gigs in the past, although not for some time. When you go to see an artist you really love it's a joyous experience. At a festival you might get to see several artists you love but the chances are it'll be from an enormous distance away on a muddy field. At most gigs you at least feel like you are right there in the heart of the experience.
I think I'd happily enjoy Glastonbury if there wasn't many people there but festivals involve crowds, and I hate crowds. As far as I'm concerned, you should never be within two metres of a stranger (I've been following social distancing guidelines for years). It's also the type of people who attend festivals. Many are teenagers, who are undeniably horrible. Most of the rest of the attendees are people trying to pretend they still are teenagers and hold on to their disappearing youth, some well into middle age and beyond. At Glastonbury in particularly you get hippies and loafers, mostly people who are both stupid and lazy and have discovered a way of being that embraces both traits.
Try illegal drugs
For one things, there's is usually a reason these are illegal and it's that they can severely damage your physical or mental health, or both. Just once can be enough- if you take LSD once, you can have hallucinations for the rest of your life. Whilst I don't consider myself to be ultra healthy, I do on the whole avoid things that are bad for me.
Obviously, there's a scale of drugs and some are more illegal than others. There's a debate about marijuana and in many places it is actually legal- it's generally regarded as having limited to no adverse medical effects. I have a sensitive body though and I am well aware that I'd almost certainly be throwing up if I tried most kinds of drugs. Even a relatively low amount of alcohol can be enough to prompt by body into a mass ejection so most drugs are likely to have an even worse effect. It's just not for me.
That's all for this week but I'll be back next week with tales from quarantine. Stay well and stay home.
You may have seen me discuss a bucket list on this blog over the last few months. Comedian and actor Ardal O'Hanlon (most recently seen in Death in Paradise) had a fun idea for a sort of anti-bucket list, a list of thing that you are never going to do. Also known as a 'fuck-it list'. For a bit of fun, here are some things that I am planning to never do.
Get a tattoo
I really dislike tattoos. The odd small one that has some important sentimental value is understandable but many cover themselves in body art. I don't think they look good and they are really just a substitute to having an understanding and appreciation of artwork. There's also the issue that bodies change over time and what looked like a nice tattoo once is doomed to become a tarnish on aged skin.
There's also the fact that getting a tattoo involves physical pain. Now I don't have a fear of needles, I regularly give blood for example, but no body modification is worth high levels of pain. Pain is the bodies way of warning you not to do something and therefore getting a tattoo is against nature. OK, maybe that last point is a little on the extreme side but I think you've got the point.
Participate in an extreme sport
Examples include sky diving, bungee jumping and base jumping. These sort of things are staples of bucket lists, but not mine. People say these activities provide an enormous thrill and there's no feeling quite like it. We've all experienced some degree of this thrill at some point in our lives, an obvious example being rollercoasters. I've been on several sizeable rollercoasters over the years and I thought they were fine, but nothing particularly special. Perhaps it's because I'm a generally calm person but I don't get the raise in adrenaline and urge to do it again that many people do get.
The other issue is that most extreme sports seem to involve you jumping off something high. I have a fear of minor fear of heights- I can perfectly happily stand at the top of a tall building where it's clearly very safe but being on a platform or clifftop is something I find deeply uncomfortable. Some might argue it's irrational but a fear of heights seems entirely rational to me. Clowns, a common phobia, are extremely unlikely to kill you whereas falling from a height is actually quite likely to kill you. I wonder if being dyspraxic adds to this fear because I feel like there's a higher chance that I could fall off a great height than the average person.
Swim with dolphins
I'll concede that dolphins are incredible creature, even if many swimming with dolphins stories seems to involve them being weirdly attracted to humans. I hate swimming though. It's partly because I'm not very good at it. I can swim and could avoid drowning if I really had to but I avoid swimming wherever possible. It astounds me that people actually swim for pleasure.
I'm not sure really why I hate swimming so much. I think it partly stems from being forced to swim as a child. I was never keen on any PE but swimming wasn't just defined to school hours as I'd have to regularly head to the local leisure centre after school for swimming lessons. As an adult, I totally understand why this was done and if I had kids I'd want to make sure they were able to swim. But having swimming forced upon me was not pleasant and the fact I found it extremely difficult made me even less inclined to want to do it.
There's also a sensory issue with swimming. Water is fickle when it comes to temperature and it's extremely rare that you enter a swimming pool that is actually a temperature you'd choose it to be. Swimming pools are also full of chlorine, or sometimes even stronger chemicals, which sticks to the skin and makes my eyes sore. The sea substitutes chlorine for salt which isn't much of an improvement. Swimming also involved negotiating changing rooms and showers and lockers and is generally best avoided as far as I'm concerned, if it does involve an aquatic mammal.
Go to Glastonbury (or other festival)
I fear this might be the most controversial item on this list but I don't like the idea of going to Glastonbury. I do like some live music and I've been to some incredible gigs in the past, although not for some time. When you go to see an artist you really love it's a joyous experience. At a festival you might get to see several artists you love but the chances are it'll be from an enormous distance away on a muddy field. At most gigs you at least feel like you are right there in the heart of the experience.
I think I'd happily enjoy Glastonbury if there wasn't many people there but festivals involve crowds, and I hate crowds. As far as I'm concerned, you should never be within two metres of a stranger (I've been following social distancing guidelines for years). It's also the type of people who attend festivals. Many are teenagers, who are undeniably horrible. Most of the rest of the attendees are people trying to pretend they still are teenagers and hold on to their disappearing youth, some well into middle age and beyond. At Glastonbury in particularly you get hippies and loafers, mostly people who are both stupid and lazy and have discovered a way of being that embraces both traits.
Try illegal drugs
For one things, there's is usually a reason these are illegal and it's that they can severely damage your physical or mental health, or both. Just once can be enough- if you take LSD once, you can have hallucinations for the rest of your life. Whilst I don't consider myself to be ultra healthy, I do on the whole avoid things that are bad for me.
Obviously, there's a scale of drugs and some are more illegal than others. There's a debate about marijuana and in many places it is actually legal- it's generally regarded as having limited to no adverse medical effects. I have a sensitive body though and I am well aware that I'd almost certainly be throwing up if I tried most kinds of drugs. Even a relatively low amount of alcohol can be enough to prompt by body into a mass ejection so most drugs are likely to have an even worse effect. It's just not for me.
That's all for this week but I'll be back next week with tales from quarantine. Stay well and stay home.
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