Toxic Masculinity
We all know that there are major issues with the way society treats women. But there is also a problem with the way society treats men. It's all part of the same issue really, where gender roles are still defined like they were hundreds of years ago. I'm not saying that being a man is harder than being a woman, far from it, but I thought I'd talk about my negative experiences with growing up male.
I certainly look masculine. I'm big and hairy and for many that makes me intimidating. I watch as people greet someone in front of me and then completely ignore me, avoiding eye contact let alone conversation. Sometimes people cross over the street from me. I completely understand why people have that attitude. Men that look like me commit all sorts of horrible crimes. But it's still an unpleasant feeling to have people totally avoid you because of how you look.
The 'me too' movement is something I really support but it adds an unnerving element to approaching women. I never want to be seen as having the wrong intentions, never want to make someone feel uncomfortable. Again, men that look like me have abused women. I'm the sort of guy who is so shy I can't even approach a woman I like after consuming vast quantities of alcohol. I am literally as far away from the Harvey Weinstein's of this world as it's possible to be yet I'll always be tarnished by the same brush.
Things get worse when it comes to children. I often see kids out on the street who look lost or could do with some help with something but I know that if I tried to help someone might think I have ulterior motives. I work with vulnerable young children and sometimes people jump to the conclusion that any man who does that must be a child abuser, which is obviously not the case. Often it's just a look, being watched intently as if at any minute I might do something hideous. It breaks my heart.
There are also those out there that think working with children, especially young ones, is something only women can do. That a man can't possibly have the empathy, the gentleness and the patience to work with children. I once spent a few weeks working in early years and the mother of one child took one look at me and announced that her daughter did not like men. I took it with a pinch of salt and my scepticism proved wise as out of all the children in the group, that girl was the one who grew the most attached to me. I hope that I can change that sort of mindset in the children and parents of those I work with. I try to be a male role model who shows the empathy, gentleness and patience that is so stereotypically not male.
Looks aside, I am not what most people would consider masculine. I don't drink beer, I'm not into sports and I consider intelligence and kindness as far more important than physical strength. I like to think that people think of me as someone who is friendly and happy to help and judge me by that rather than by how many women I've slept with.
Regularly through my teenage years people would ask me if I was gay, as if that was a bad thing to be. I never really understood that. Why should your personality and sexuality be linked? Why did it matter what sexuality I was? After a while of this I started to think that if a lot of people said I was gay maybe I was. I'd look at the boys that I knew the girls fancied and quickly conclude that no, I am straight. Even now, people occasionally ask me if I'm gay. I seem the type apparently. I still don't understand it.
Perhaps the worst thing about being a man is not being able to talk about things. There's a reason that suicide is the top killer of men under 45 in the UK. We're not supposed to show weakness of any kind. I know that sounds stupid now but when you're brought up like that it becomes ingrained in you. If anything, I'm worse than ever at keeping things to myself. Unless someone asks me a direct question about something important I likely won't tell anyone at all about it. I'm very skilled at answering direct questions with the minimum amount of information required leaving the asker more satisfied than myself.
The answer to much of this is feminism. That might sound odd but feminism is about making women be equal to men. Upon true equality, the gender stereotypes fall away and the world becomes a happier place. I think we are edging closer to that dream, be it very slowly. I hope that the generations that follow mine feel at least a little more equal.
I certainly look masculine. I'm big and hairy and for many that makes me intimidating. I watch as people greet someone in front of me and then completely ignore me, avoiding eye contact let alone conversation. Sometimes people cross over the street from me. I completely understand why people have that attitude. Men that look like me commit all sorts of horrible crimes. But it's still an unpleasant feeling to have people totally avoid you because of how you look.
The 'me too' movement is something I really support but it adds an unnerving element to approaching women. I never want to be seen as having the wrong intentions, never want to make someone feel uncomfortable. Again, men that look like me have abused women. I'm the sort of guy who is so shy I can't even approach a woman I like after consuming vast quantities of alcohol. I am literally as far away from the Harvey Weinstein's of this world as it's possible to be yet I'll always be tarnished by the same brush.
Things get worse when it comes to children. I often see kids out on the street who look lost or could do with some help with something but I know that if I tried to help someone might think I have ulterior motives. I work with vulnerable young children and sometimes people jump to the conclusion that any man who does that must be a child abuser, which is obviously not the case. Often it's just a look, being watched intently as if at any minute I might do something hideous. It breaks my heart.
There are also those out there that think working with children, especially young ones, is something only women can do. That a man can't possibly have the empathy, the gentleness and the patience to work with children. I once spent a few weeks working in early years and the mother of one child took one look at me and announced that her daughter did not like men. I took it with a pinch of salt and my scepticism proved wise as out of all the children in the group, that girl was the one who grew the most attached to me. I hope that I can change that sort of mindset in the children and parents of those I work with. I try to be a male role model who shows the empathy, gentleness and patience that is so stereotypically not male.
Looks aside, I am not what most people would consider masculine. I don't drink beer, I'm not into sports and I consider intelligence and kindness as far more important than physical strength. I like to think that people think of me as someone who is friendly and happy to help and judge me by that rather than by how many women I've slept with.
Regularly through my teenage years people would ask me if I was gay, as if that was a bad thing to be. I never really understood that. Why should your personality and sexuality be linked? Why did it matter what sexuality I was? After a while of this I started to think that if a lot of people said I was gay maybe I was. I'd look at the boys that I knew the girls fancied and quickly conclude that no, I am straight. Even now, people occasionally ask me if I'm gay. I seem the type apparently. I still don't understand it.
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| This was the closest to a related Peanuts image I could find... |
The answer to much of this is feminism. That might sound odd but feminism is about making women be equal to men. Upon true equality, the gender stereotypes fall away and the world becomes a happier place. I think we are edging closer to that dream, be it very slowly. I hope that the generations that follow mine feel at least a little more equal.
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