Upgrade in Progress

I noticed the other day that I had all my old blog posts saved on my computer. I started reading them and it brought back the memories of how much I liked blogging. I’ve been posting bits irregularly for the last six months or so but I’ve decided I want to get back into it properly. The plan is to post something here every weekend, though it may be more or less regular than that depending on what I’ve got to share with you.
I seem to become ever more self-enclosed. I hardly ever tell anyone anything about my life, be that what I’ve been feeling or simply what I’ve been doing. On a rare occasion I might feel strangely open and end up telling someone something I’ve kept entirely to myself, even if it’s a mundane thing. The other person never realises the secret they have ended up hearing.
It’s probably not a healthy way of living but it’s how I get by. I’ve become so fearful of being judged that I don’t let people have anything to judge me by. I just keep quiet and out of the way and they probably judge me on that instead. Maybe they wonder why I’m so quiet and what I’m really like.
For a long time blogging has been my solution to that. I don’t think many people tend to read what I write but I know some people do and therefore I can actually share stuff. Just that alone is a great help. Sometimes people read it and actually respond and that does me a lot of good. (So yeah, if you happen to be reading this do say hi or something because it really does make a difference to me).
Life continues to be hard. I started this blog after finishing my teaching degree and failing to qualify as a teacher. Then I fell into one of the few jobs I could actually do, a teaching assistant in a special school, and stayed there. I thought that at some point I’d have a big revelation about what to do with my life. I thought the job would last maybe a few months and then I’d move on to bigger things. Two and half years on and I’m still there.
The job is fine. It has its ups and downs like anything else but it always feels like just a job rather than a career. It doesn’t give me true satisfaction and isn’t great financially either. Earlier in the week I applied for a different job. I won’t go into specifics so they don’t track me down here but it’s basically working for a conservation charity of an island.It’s a superb job but I am so under experienced it will be a miracle if they even vaguely consider me. I felt I ought to apply though all the same.
Filling out the application made me realise some things. In many ways I’m an ideal employee. I’m dedicated and reliable- I’ve never had a day off for illness or anything else in my two and half years in my current job. My appraisals show how much of a positive impact I have. But then if you look into the specifics of any job, the experience, the qualifications, and it becomes obvious I am not suitable.
Other issues remain unsolved too. The fact that I never spend time with anyone outside of my family or workplace. That’s not normal. Virtually all the friends I had have moved away from the area and have shown little interest in me. That happens of course, it’s life, but I have totally failed to make any new ones for years.
All in all, I feel further than ever from being that idealistic future version of me I imagined, Dan 2.0. So I’m going to continue my journey to find myself here, as well as sharing various adventures and thoughts on things. I have actual plans for the next few posts so watch this space…

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