Letters to my Past Self

So this is a completely 100% original idea for a post which was not at all inspired by posts from Samantha, Tim and Tabitha. I thought if an idea is good enough for such excellent and entertaining bloggers then little old me could certainly have a go at it.
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I have really had to avoid a discussion on the time travelling logistics of this feature. I did wonder if I was allowed to say things that would dramatically change my life because if the younger me did actually read the letter and dramatically changed my life than the current me would not have to have given the advice, thus creating a paradox. If that makes sense. And surely if my advice in one letter works, the content of a later letter would not be valid. Basically, it’s all a bit timey-wimey so I’m just going to ignore that worry and get the hell on with it.
To Dan, Aged 5
Don’t swing back on that chair whilst you are eating Christmas dinner. Mummy and Daddy will be sad when you fall through the patio window because of it. I mean it won’t hurt, but it will scare them a lot.
To Dan, Aged 8
Now I’ve had to think a lot about what age you would be clever enough to understand this and I think this is probably the earliest I can do. I am writing to inform you that you are dyspraxic. That’s quite a scary word but basically it explains why you often feel different to all your school friend. Dyspraxia is why you had to go to “special playgroup” to learn to talk properly, why you can only swim on your back, why your handwriting is dreadful and why you are miles away from being able to ride a bike (you’ll get there, just give it another two or three years). Teachers should have worked all this out but they are not as amazing as you think they are.
Now I know it’s not easy but if you can tell a teacher you are dyspraxic this might change things a little. It should qualify you for lots of help with the things you struggle with, like organisation. Also, it will mean you will get free stuff when you go to university, which would be good.
I think that you would probably get your head round this better than I did as an adult but it is not something to worry about, especially if you managed to get the support I never had.
To Dan, Aged 10
Over the next few years you are going to do a lot of embarrassing things which will stay with you for many years. As a head’s up, here are a few things to avoid.
1) On that school team-building trip, don’t exclaim “bloody tree” when you bang your head against something on the blindfold activity. It turns out to be the teacher’s camcorder. Also, avoid picking your nose because that camcorder sees EVERYTHING. If you forget, at least prepare yourself for the huge embarrassment that will follow after the grand airing of the trip video…
2) On your first day at big school, keep your timetable in your blazer pocket. The last thing you need is to put it in your pencil case, forget it is there and then not know where your next lesson is. It will cause you a large panic and the embarrassment of having a teacher walk you down the languages corridor and ask every teacher if they are missing you, only for it turn out to be the very last classroom.
3) A horrible kid will make fun of you on World Book Day. You know which kid. You’ll throw together an outfit based on the cover of a book you own and the kid will say that you didn’t have to buy a book just for World Book Day. Respond with: “Actually, I own a book because I can actually read”. I can only imagine how cool you will feel at that point.
To the complicated mix of hormones, Aged 15
Your GCSEs are coming up and you’ll do pretty well at them. You probably have the potential to really get some exceptional grades but you are a lazy teenager and spend more of your life attempting to chase girls than to study and take your life seriously. I know it won’t make a blind bit of difference but in a few years you will discover there is much more to life than having a girlfriend. Don’t get used to your relative success with the opposite sex because by the time you are an adult and would like a serious relationship you’ll find nothing. Seriously, how did you do it? You have more personality faults than even I have and a face that looks like the moon with the amount of acne on it. That’ll all clear up nicely though so don’t worry about that. The next few years will be frankly pretty great so enjoy being a teenager because it’s all downhill once you have to think about the real world.
To Dan, Aged 18
It’s a difficult time in your life I know. You’re convinced you will end up single with no friends, the very opposite of what you have now. At the age of 23, this is exactly what has happened. But don’t be upset, do something about it. Firstly, the girl you are dating. Leave her. I know, it sounds like ridiculous advice but it’s for the best. You knew she wasn’t right for you that day when she really upset you and you were stood in an alleyway in the pouring rain, the rain hiding your tears. You know it will end eventually and it will be better for you if you get it over with, as difficult a thing as that might be to do.
Change your future plans. Don’t to a teaching degree, it will be a waste of four years of your life. You are rubbish at teaching, unfortunately. Do English or Creative Writing or something instead which will take a year less and will leave you with much wider career choices.
Don’t lose touch with your friends. There’s those couple that you will always be in contact with but try and keep as much of that friendship group as you can. University doesn’t mean they should be gone from your life- it means you can go and enjoy their company in a different part of the country. You totally need those guys and they should probably be a bigger priority than anything else right now.
And stop posting stuff on Facebook. There will be an app called TimeHop so 23-y/o me is seeing all that crap and find it really cringeworthy. Be yourself and stop trying to be cool. You just aren’t.
To Dan, Aged 22
You’ve just turned 22 and are about to face the biggest crisis of your life thus far. Just give up on that terrible teaching practice you are on. It’s not worth the most horrible few months of your life and it’s silly to get your hopes up that you might scrape through. You will fail, it’s inevitable. Now is your chance to give it up and go on the piss for the last few months of university life, whilst seriously considering your future career instead of trying not to think about it. This is the point to really sort things out and give yourself a chance in life. Over a year later and I desperately wish I could turn back the clock and go about things differently.
Well that was an interesting experience which I hope was both entertaining and thoughtful. I’m now wondering why that if I had access to time travel I would send my younger self letters rather than just go back and talk to myself. I think I take these things too seriously…

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