Positive Feedback

It has now been two weeks since my last blog post, although it feels like a life time. In my experience, it can be a challenge as a blogger to have regular new posts all the year round. It’s fine when things are happening, when there are events to discuss but I would say that almost nothing of interest has happened since my last post and I haven’t had any genius brainwaves for a witty post, something which I will humbly say is unusual. Today I have decided to scrabble together some kind of post because I feel I ought to and because I’m in the mood for writing.

The one bit of news I do have to share with you comes from my first appraisal. An appraisal is where those superior to you in your workplace inform you how good you are of doing the job and what things they want you to improve on. Obviously this is my first full time job and therefore my first ever appraisal, but the process is almost identical to the feedback you get on a teaching placement. My last teaching placement was full of feedback meetings where the appropriate person would say that I’m trying really hard but am basically useless, in a kind a way as possible. I am fully used to dreading such meetings and sitting awkwardly listening to the many things I need to improve upon.

It therefore came a bit of a shock to me to find that almost the complete opposite was true in my appraisal. I had to sit there awkwardly listening to all the things I am doing really well. It struck me that I find it almost as embarrassing to be told how good I am. It was one of my targets when I started this job that I would do a good job and I think we can safely say I am achieving that target. I may have failed to be a good teacher but I am certainly an excellent teaching assistant, when working with children with special needs at least.

This really opens up the question of whether I will go back into teaching. It would require me to do a year-long course at a university but the option is wide open. This sort of positive feedback does indicate perhaps I can be a decent teacher but I know there’s a big difference from supporting within the class to leading it from the front. At the moment, there is no way I’m confident enough to be able to go back into teaching. It’s a possibility I am still willing to consider in the future but for the time being there’s no way it’s happening.

In my last post I wrote about how gloomy I was feeling. For some reason, and I can’t even come up with any real explanation to why, I do feel a bit happier at the moment. Perhaps it’s the thought that the horror year of 2014 is very nearly over and I have high hopes that a proper Dan 2.0 will emerge in 2015. There’s still a certain something missing in my life, although I can’t quite work out what it is. I just have a feeling that my life is far from complete and it needs something for me to feel truly fulfilled.

Facebook is an unfortunate invention in many ways. The big problem is that it assumes you want to know what your friends and people you used to know are getting up to now. It’s true for some people but I don’t really like to see what everyone I’ve ever known is up to. Case in point: my ex-girlfriend announced on Facebook recently that she is pregnant. (To give context, we broke up four years ago and I have remained single since then, due to lack of attractiveness rather than some sort of misguided loyalty).

Oddly my first thought on reading this piece of information was “how am I supposed to feel about this?”. I think that it says something about me that my brain has to decide on what it feels rather than simply just feeling it. I eventually decided several things. Firstly that I’m happy for her, in the same sort of way I’d be happy if anyone I knew was pregnant. Bringing a new life into the world is a happy thing. I also feel a bit annoyed. It’s not because I’d want it to be my child or anything (I’m going to have nightmares about that terrifying thought now) but because of the extent to which she has moved on compared to me. Fate has decided that she has settled down and found a life whilst I am still wandering cluelessly through each day.

It makes me think of the song Someone Like You by Adele. That’s a song I totally get. There’s the remembrance of the hurt of the breakup in there. But most important are these lines:

I’d hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.
Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too

It’s one of those occasions when someone else can capture my feelings better than I can. (Actually, I think every occasion is like that really). I do think that the emotion bit of my brain is a little malfunctional. I seem to either feel very little, as in cases such as this, or such extreme overwhelming emotion that I want to cry, be that from sadness or happiness. Maybe that’s just being male. I suspect though that it has some sort of link to my dyspraxia. I sometimes wonder if my “special needs” define me more than I think.

OK, I’ve rambled on and actually managed to create a readable blog post. Who’d have thought? I’m not sure when I will next write a load of thoughts on the internet but something will turn up eventually. Ta ta for now.