Week 7: Brick Wall

Another week, another interview. My interview last week was not a success and this didn’t help to make me any less nervous. And last week I wasn’t that keen on the job, whereas this week I really wanted it. The pressure was on.
From the moment I pressed the intercom to be let into the school grounds the familiar job interview awkwardness began. I always find new situations and new people difficult but usually that’s not much of a problem as I can sit quietly and just get through the situation. The trouble is at a job interview I have to try to be assertive and conversational because that is kind of the point. To me it feels like I am having to act the character of “employable professional” but without a script, meaning it is all improvisation. It’s only when I’m asked an expected question when I can use my mental script and it sounds really good. Unfortunately there is no way you can predict everything they are going to ask you.
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This is what I feel like when I reflect on what I said in an interview
I spent a bit of time in a classroom and had a lovely time playing with Lego and was pleased that no-one was judging me on that bit. I fumbled my way through the interview, giving some really good answers and some awful ones. The interview went OK, certainly not a disaster and I got on with the people OK.
The worst moment after the interview is over is the moment the sound of a ringing phone hits your ears, the knowledge that the big reveal is coming. I hadn’t got the job, the dream of working in a brand new school for children with autism broken. The lady was exceptionally nice, saying she didn’t want to discourage me and that I should apply again another time but I just seemed a bit nervous. Essentially, despite my very best efforts, being socially challenged had let me down again.
Being rejected from two jobs within six days was quite the knock-down, especially because it seemed like it was my fault both times. The other worry was that the opportunities were running out. Other deadlines had long since gone and the chances of me finding a job in a school for September were now very low indeed. It was not looking good.
And then, completely to my surprise, I was awoken the next morning by the phone ringing. One of the schools I applied for about a month ago had invited me to interview. It was my number two choice, a teaching assistant job in a special needs school. So I have been given one more chance, quite possibly the last before having to completely change my plans. The interview is next week and I am determined to not mess this one up. Fingers crossed…
In other news, over the last few weeks I’ve continued with my driving lessons. To have ended up at 22 and without a driving license is very frustrating, especially when you live in the middle of nowhere with terrible public transport links. I’m not too far away from being able to take and hopefully pass my practical test but I find the whole thing very challenging. In an ideal world I would not drive but given my location I have no choice. I don’t feel in control when I am walking down the street and I’ve been doing that for twenty years so you can imagine how I feel about driving. I am fine, so long as I don’t have to turn any junctions or go around any roundabouts. On my lesson last week I went around 26 roundabouts, which was terrifying.
It feels right now that I am so close to ending this limbo period of my life, so close to starting the next chapter but I still haven’t had the breakthrough. The last six months have been the worst of my life and every rejection is another knock-down, adding salt to the wound. I gave blood today, my one useful contribution to society, and realised how different my life is since the last time I did it, back in October. Back then I was a fairly happy student preparing for an exciting life of doing the dream job I’d planned to do for years. Those were the days.
Still, there’s always hope. Maybe I’ll get this exciting job and shortly afterwards pass my driving test and by September I’ll be living a new and happy life. It just feels like there’ s brick wall between now and then that I simply can’t get through.

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