The Adventures of Dysfunctional Dan

In which I lament the loss of a childhood haunt... The words 'closing down' can be fraught with emotion. There are some places that feel eternal and there's something comforting about the idea that when you need their services, the place is just there waiting for you. But inevitably time marches on and everything must come to an end.  I was sad to learn recently that the Toy shop, imaginatively named 'Toys', in my home town is closing down. The shop opened in the same year I was born so in my eyes it's always been there. After thirty years of trading the owners are retiring but I will mourn the loss of that shop.  There are a handful of places that meant so much to me in childhood and Toys was one of them. Whilst you could go to Toys R Us for a much wider selection and probably better prices, Toys felt much quieter and calmer. It felt old-fashioned in the best of ways, it was comforting in the same way a grandparent is. As long as I can remember it's always ...

In which I discuss this year's Oscar contenders... It's become something of a tradition for me to write about the year's Best Picture nominees. Usually what happens is that I see about 80% of the nominees and one of the films I hasn't seen goes on to win the award. I'm pleased to say that's not the case this year as I've seen all ten nominees! As usual I'm going to give a brief rundown of each film and it's chances of winning.  Belfast This is a story about growing up in Belfast in the 60s and 70s inspired by director Kenneth Branagh's own childhood. It touches on the Troubles as nine-year old Buddy doesn't really understand the conflict and his Pa is pressurised to join the Protestant action. It's also just a lovely story about childhood taking in everything from a first crush to the popular culture of the time. It's not totally dissimilar to Roma which won the award a few years back and personally I loved the film and it's my to...

New Netflix film The Adam Project sees Ryan Reynolds play Adam, who travels back in time from 2050 to 2022 and meets his twelve-year-old self. It's one of those films that makes you wonder what the scenario it depicts would be like. So I've wondered and written it... 2004. The boy leans on the windowsill, carefully avoiding the cacti that are housed there, wondering what the noise was. It sounded a lot like a futuristic time-travelling jet had just landed on the playing field at the end of the street. He tried to take in another view from his parents bedroom but still nothing could be seen. Perhaps it had just been a noisy car. He picked up the controller and continued in his attempts to complete the tricky motorbike chase level on his latest PlayStation 2 game James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing.  There was a sound from downstairs. The boy listened for a moment to confirm and sure enough, there was definitely something down there. The distraction had meant that Jaws had onc...

In which I reflect on a train... My 30th birthday is rapidly approaching, a fact I'm not entirely comfortable with. There's a feeling that I should have done more by this point- I'm single, the idea of having children seems a world away and my career has yet to really go anywhere. I'm not especially maudlin about any one of these things but together they combine to leave me feeling somewhat insignificant. I recently took a train ride between Bournemouth and Winchester, the literal journey making me reflect on the journey of my life up to this point.  Before long I'm in the New Forest, essentially where I grew up. I've increasingly realised how sheltered growing up in a small town with no transport links was. This was probably a mixed blessing. I was protected from so much in that environment yet at the same time I felt stifled there and I had no experience of the wider world.  Eventually the train pulls into Winchester and I have a lovely day with my friend from...

In which I break the law... This is the story of the crime I committed that haunted me for many years. I think an important thing to note before I tell this story is that I was a stupid child. I may have been pretty successful when it came to the academic stuff but in every way that really mattered I was just naïve and stupid. When I was about eleven the family were driving somewhere and were involved in a very minor accident. Someone rear-ended our car at a pretty slow speed. I burst into tears and my parents thought that I'd been hurt but I was just worried that we were now stuck some fifteen miles from home with no way of returning. I couldn't work out that a car can still drive with minor damage and never considered that there were actually multiple ways we could have got home anyway, from buses to taxis to phoning someone up. As I say, I was stupid.  This tale takes place a few years earlier even than that. I was maybe eight years old and was a member of the local Beavers ...

In which I dissect a joke... You've probably heard the recent controversy over comedian Jimmy Carr. In his recent Netflix special His Dark Material, Carr made the following joke:  "When people talk about the Holocaust, they talk about the tragedy and horror of 6 million Jewish lives being lost to the Nazi war machine. But they never mention the thousands of Gypsies that were killed by the Nazis. No one ever wants to talk about that, because no one ever wants to talk about the positives". There has been a lot of reaction to this joke with groups like the Holocaust Memorial Trust and the Gypsy, Romany and Traveller Community condemning it. But there have also been a portion of people who have defended it and point out that it's a joke. I find myself struggling to decide my position on this issue.  Some context- whilst I wouldn't name Jimmy Carr as one of my favourite comedians I have been to a live show of his and enjoyed much of his television work over the years. ...

In which I start something new... I've been keeping this pretty quiet until now because I wanted to quietly get on with it: late last year I applied to do my teacher training. This week I had an interview and despite it not going particularly well I have been accepted. That's typical me in critiquing my performance in an interview despite very quickly being told I'd been accepted. I'll start the course in September and by this time next year will hopefully be within weeks of completing it. It's taken a long time to get here. For those that don't know, I studied primary education at university and was making good progress. Then I had a horrific final placement which was the most awful period in my life and it took me a good few years to deal with the trauma of that time. In hindsight, I was set up to fail. I'd never taught children that young before, it was an inner city school where ninety-five percent of the children had English as an additional language (E...